Wherever she is, I am

Told by: Porsha

April 1st, I spent the entire day with my kids that day, laid on the floor with Miss Peyton, watched her smile. Preston and Kenley laid on the floor next to us and gave their baby doll kisses, and lots of them. Peyton was so full of life that entire day and night, trying to roll over, to follow her brother and sister around. Smiles, lots and lots of smiles. I put Peyton to bed that night, held her, gave her lots of kisses, wrapped her up in her frog blanket, she took her arms out. Laid in her bed until she drifted off to sleep. Before falling asleep that night I gave all of my kids a kiss before I drifted off to sleep. April 2nd, I wake up only to find that Peyton was gone. Her lifeless body lay there. My world fell apart, and I died, right there, in that moment. I tried to do everything I could to save her, but it was too late. The police came, and I pleaded for help to bring my little girl back, God please don’t fail me now, bring her back. The police officer looked at me, and shook her head; it was too late. My little girl, so full of life, beautiful smiles, so much to learn, so much to live for, lay there, lifeless. No more. No one will ever understand the impact that very second had on my entire life. I died with her. Where ever she is, I am. A Pastor came to the house, as if I cared.. What did he think he could do for me? The next day was filled with the songs we wanted sung, the words we wanted shared, to sum up her life in a small paragraph.. Then it came time to go talk to the cemetery. What casket did I want, where was she to be buried, what flowers, what music, pictures, what was she to wear.. All far too soon to deal with. April 5th, 2012, beautiful day outside, it was Peyton’s wake. I cried the whole way there, this couldn’t be real. I needed to wake up. Walking up the steps to the chapel, looking at the pictures of her, waiting, dreading my reality. I see her tiny pink casket sitting on the table. I can’t go in there, I need to turn around, to leave, to wake up, this couldn’t be my reality. This is hell. I gather up the courage to walk down the aisle to see my baby girl. At the moment, no one else existed. WHY? Why did you take her from me? Why not someone else? Why not me? I would have gladly taken her place. Why? I lost it. I reached down and set my head on her chest. I kissed her. God, please just bring her back, I know she is going to wake up, please let her wake up, everything is going to be okay. I don’t remember much of anything other than my Brother giving me a big hug. We were offered the chance to hold her, I was unsure at first, but I am so glad that we did. I sat with her the entire time, rarely left her side, and if I did, it was only for a moment. April 6th, Good Friday, the last time I would ever see Peyton. We got there early, extra early, I decided to hold her, the entire time, it would be the last time I ever see her. Hours felt like minutes, there wasn’t enough time. I didn’t much care to hear about God, or the singing, or talking, I was focused on Peyton. Kissing her, hugging her, making sure she knew how much we loved her. I spent a lot of time holding her hand, which was warm. I knew she was there with me. I remember that before the service started on Friday, I was holding her, and Amanda was fixing Peyton’s make-up, people were crying on her.. As I was looking at Peyton, a tear fell from her eye, a real tear. My world crumbled, again. It was time to put Peyton to sleep. One. Last. Time. I wasn’t ready to let her go. This wasn’t real, wake me up, please God take away tis nightmare. My reality set in again. One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey. Matt and I walked up to put Peyton in her tiny pink casket. The chapel was silent other than the music. I kissed her one last time, and we said goodbye. Matt, Bryan, Bud, and Christopher carried her away. That was the last time I seen Peyton. I keep reliving this hell, these horrible days. Without my Mom, Brother, Grandma, Uncles, Aunts, and friends I wouldn’t have gotten through those 5 days. I want to thank everyone for everything they have done during these 3 months. I just wanted to share some things with you, so you can start to possibly understand where I am coming from, I do not mean to push anyone away, and I have a long road ahead of me. Every day is a struggle. Every single day. There is not one second that goes by that Peyton isn’t on my mind. I love and miss her so much that it hurts.

 

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