Can’t You See My Pain?

Told by: Lauren

On June 24, 2012 my baby was no longer alive. It all started on June 3rd, 2012, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. My period was due and we had been trying for baby #4 and I was excited to find out! I took another test on June 4th and June 7th just to make sure. I went to the birthing center on June 8th and had them take my HCG just to confirm my pregnancy. I called on the following Monday, the 11th to get the results, and I called the following days and no one would tell me anything. On June 14th they finally called and told me that my HCG was 88 and low for being 5 weeks along. They wanted to order another test. I decided to go with my regular doctor to get the test, so I set up an appointment for June 19th for an ultrasound and HCG test. The ultrasound only showed a gestational sac, but the tech said it was probably just so early that they couldn’t see anything yet. My HCG was 1371, which was a great jump in a week and a half. After worrying for over a week, we finally felt like things were going to be ok. Saturday, June 23rd we went to an anniversary party and later in the evening I used the restroom and my panties were covered (not soaked) in a brownish/red blood and when I wiped I was still seeing blood. We decided to leave the party and go to the hospital. We drove our children home and put them in bed and my mother in law came over to watch the kids. The hospital we went to got us in quickly, they took my blood and put in an IV and had me drink water and did an ultrasound and an HCG test. The ultrasound showed more, the gestational sac and the yoke sac were visible. My HCG was 1100 and the doctor said that because the machines can vary hospital to hospital it could be that I am having a miscarriage or that their machine is just wrong. They sent me home. We prayed that night that the bleeding and cramping would stop before we woke up because it still wasn’t that bad. We still thought it was possible that the baby was going to be ok. Sunday June 24, 2012 my pain from cramping and the bleeding progressively got worse. My husband took my older children out to do something and when he got back several hours later, I felt like I needed to be seen by a doctor. We took the kids to my mother’s house and went to a different hospital, the one that originally drew my HCG and did the ultrasound the last time. This way, we felt the tests would be more accurate. In the waiting room there were several people waiting. We arrived at 6pm and I waited as several people came in and waited and several people went ahead of me. A lady came in who had been in an accident with her children, who were doing fine. A man came in who hurt his finger and another lady came in whose daughter had been in an accident and she was angry when they wouldn’t see her right away. She was fine. I looked fine. But I had already been sitting there for an hour. At 8pm my husband left to get the kids and take them back home so that they could go to bed and his mother could watch them. Before he left I had been in the bathroom passing blood blots and bleeding heavily. The pain was becoming unbearable. By the time he left I was in a wheel chair and crying softly in pain. I waited alone for another hour. I was silent, but I started to get angry as the guy who cut his finger went before me. I felt as if I was not important enough to be seen. Just because they could not see my pain or my blood, was I less important? Finally around 9pm I was taken back to a room. They called this room the “female” room but all it really was, was a regular room that had a toilet and a diagram of a male and female’s anatomy. The nurse came in and put in an IV in case they needed it. She put it in my forearm (I would NOT recommend this unless absolutely necessary, which it wasn’t). The lab person came in and drew my blood and the nurse put in a catheter which was the hospital’s policy to fill your bladder instead of drinking water. The catheter was uncomfortable. Finally, my husband was on his way and they took me down to get the ultrasound. The tech filled my bladder with the catheter and I asked her to stop because it was obviously full because of the pain. (Like the pain you get when you have to pee really, really bad, but it keeps filling up) She told me that she would “stop when she thought it was full”. I cried hysterically for a good 5 minutes before she stopped. It was unbelievably painful. During the abdominal and vaginal ultrasound she sat in silence and couldn’t see anything. She took me back upstairs and I felt defeated. My husband was sitting there and he inched his chair closer to me. He held me as I cried. Another tech came in to draw my blood to do a comparison on my blood type and the doctor came in to do the pelvic exam and told me that my HCG level was now 800 and that though he was going to check and see if my cervix was closed or not, with the HCG level s dropping and not being able to see anything on the ultrasound, it was obvious I was having a miscarriage. My cervix was closed and after the exam he told me that I needed to go home and call my OB first thing in the morning. He said that I would probably be able to pass it at home and he knew how hard this was for me as his wife had, had several miscarriages. The nurse was very sympathetic as well and they began drawing up our paperwork and a prescription for a pain medicine. I was covered in blood, all over my legs and even on my feet. My husband helped me wipe myself off and get up to get dressed. I walked around the bed to get my clothes and begin to dress. I began to bleed all over the floor. He tried to wipe it up with rags but this bright red blood just kept coming. We struggled to get my clothes and to get a pad to catch it, but we just weren’t fast enough. I leaned over my husband, with him bent on his knees trying to help and I cried. I sobbed. I felt like I had to push and I felt something begin to come out of me that wasn’t blood. My husband who was crouched under me caught what was our baby. He wanted to shield me from what it was and I cried. I dressed and then I looked at pieces of what was our dreamed new baby girl or boy. And we were shocked. It was so quick and so unexpected, we didn’t know what to do. Immediately we knew we wanted to at least bury it because it just didn’t feel right throwing away our baby. I called the nurse in and we began the process of figuring out what to do next. We decided to let them take it to do testing to make sure that nothing was genetically wrong or going to cause us trouble in the future. And we are going to get the baby back so that we can bury it. We won’t be burying it in a cemetery, but somewhere that gives us the opportunity to feel like we have some kind of piece knowing it’s not in the trash. We left and we felt like we left a piece of ourselves there. And we did. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and our baby was only measuring 5 weeks. But this was our baby, we were planning a future, we were planning on having a fresh new baby boy or girl around February 6, 2013. We felt broken. We went and filled our prescription for my pain medication and got some food to eat and then went home and went to bed. The next day, my husband took care of the kids and I rested most of the day. The pain has been bearable with the pain medicine, but I am still bleeding and in a lot of pain. Today, my husband is back at work and though my house is clean, I have three kids to take care of and the amount of pain I experienced this morning was unreal, with medicine, it’s again bearable. I don’t know when I’ll stop bleeding and I don’t know when it will get easier. I know that we want to have another child. We have 3 beautiful children already, but we have always wanted a big family. This is my second miscarriage (my first is located in the teens section) but this is my husband’s first. He has been amazing and I don’t think I could do this without him. I have experienced such an outpour of love and understanding, I feel blessed, but I have also been told some very hurtful things like “this wasn’t a baby” and “you shouldn’t get so emotional” and etc. It’s been hard and it’s only been 2 days. My kids were really sad, they can’t wait for us to have another baby and I hope that next time we are lucky enough to have a 4th living child, but for now I have 3 children here and 2 children in heaven. I don’t care what anyone says to me or anyone else. A pregnancy is a pregnancy and no matter the circumstances, it’s hard. I may have experienced or am experiencing more pain or less pain than other mother’s in my position, but the pain both physically and emotionally are very real. I wanted this baby. We loved this baby, we were so excited for this baby. And I will never forget this baby or the experience. It has brought me and my husband closer together and instead of making me angry with God, it’s made me understand that everything happens for a reason, and if this baby wasn’t healthy enough to be here on earth, that it’s going to be perfectly content with God. I’m sad, we’re all sad, but we all are hoping and waiting for the day when we can have another healthy baby, and I know that isn’t everyone else’s route. But it doesn’t make this baby any less important, it just means that for us, we love all our children and we intend to extend that love to children in the future. We wanted this baby. We loved this baby. We will miss not getting to know this baby. June 26, 2012

If you’d like to read about my first miscarriage, please visit “Before Him“, which shows a little of my life before I accepted Christ into my life, and before I found my husband.

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2 Responses to Can’t You See My Pain?

  1. t c says:

    I am so very sorry. Prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.

  2. Hannah says:

    I just found this site and I wanted to let you know how very sorry I am, I had a very similar experience lost a baby at 5 weeks on June 8th 2012, this was my second miscarriage this year. It does matter and it is emotional, lots of love.

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