Told by: Melissa
Today June 18th 2012, I sit here and all I can think about is in 2 weeks I should be holding my sweet baby boy Gavin Thomas. Instead I sit her feeling empty and without him growing in my belly. Although everything looked good on ultrasounds, his heartbeat was always within the normal range, and I didn’t have any major complications I still lost him. I remember like it was yesterday. I went to my regular check up appt on Monday April 2nd I was 26 weeks. I told the doctor that Gavin just didn’t move as much as I thought he should. I have 2 daughter and a son. So he was baby #4 and he just moved and kicked like the other 3. He said as long as he moving at least a little then his fine. Well…. He wasn’t fine. Wednesday I felt him kick around 3:00pm and that was it. That was the last time I would feel my baby move. It was around 8-9:00pm when I decided I should go in to be checked. I tried to use my home doppler 3 seperate times before going and I couldn’t find is heartbeat. I knew deep down that he was gone. The ride to the hospital (only 5 minutes) my husband joked and said I have a feeling this is the first of many trips to the hospital. I went for little things with my other 3 because my worst fear was having a stillborn baby. My worst fear came true. They took me back and hooked me up to the monitor and could find his heartbeat. The nurse said that he might just be to small for this (which I knew wasn’t true) she then tried the doppler which my nurse’s at the doctors office always found his heartbeat within seconds. She tried for what seemed like forever before she has another nurse come and try. I just laid there holding my husbands hand tighter and tighter as she tried all over my stomach only to find my heartbeat. The nurse then told me they were going to order a ultrasound and they both walked out. The doctor came in with the ultrasound machine and I looked at the black and white screen…all I could see was my sweet baby boy. No movement and no heartbeat. I looked at the screen and the words “theres no heartbeat” came out and the doctor looked at me and said “I’m so sorry he’s gone” I curled up in a ball and cried “no no why me? Why my baby?” My husband and I cried for a while and then I gathered myself for a minute and said “ok what do I do now?” He said “well you can go home and talk to your doctor in the morning or we can start the process now. “How could I go home with my baby not alive in my belly and face my 3 children in the morning? I said “there’s no way I’m going home” and we started the process. They put pills in my cervix every 4 hours until finally starting pitocin. My doctor broke my water when I was only 2cm dilated. It was the worst pain…but the pain wasn’t what made me cry. It was the feeling of my water pouring out of me knowing it wasn’t for the birth my baby that I wanted to hold and hear cry. It was for the birth of my baby that had already gone to be with God. I was on pit all day and only dilated to 2cm. Finally my husband had enough and told them that I just wanted a c section. I had asked for one shortly after I knew he was gone. Friday April 6th 2012 I delievered my angel by c section. He came out with a lot of different birth defects. My doctor said he’s almost 100% that he had trisomy 13. We won’t know for 100% because we didn’t have a autopsy done. My doctor said he was really surprised I didn’t miscarry in the first trimester. Deciding to have him cremated or buried was a hard choice but we decided to have hime cremated. We had part of his ashes put in a locket inside of a teddy bear which has provided some comfort in this process. I sleep with it in my arms every night. The rest of his ashes we are taking with us on our first family vacation the 5 of us (6 counting our angel Gavin); we are spreading them in the ocean on July 2nd the day my scheduled c section would have been. Gavin Thomas’s birthday. I’m hoping that I don’t have regret and hoping that it doesn’t cause any sadness on our entire week vacation. In my heart it feels like the right thing to do. My other part to my story is I so badly want to get pregnant as soon as the doctor says its ok which he said to wait at least 3 months which would put us in July. The month I was supposed to delivery him. I feel like it would help move me in the healing process but my husband isn’t sure he even wants any more. Gavin was a surprise in the first place. He and I were pretty sure we weren’t going to have anymore but then I got pregnant and now I can’t picture not having another baby in my arms. I’m supposed to be a mother of 4 and I will be! It hurts that we’re on 2 different pages.