May Fifth Mourning

Told by: Deborah

My husband and I had been married for over 6 years when we finally decided it was time to try to have a baby. We were so excited when I found out I was pregnant, we had only tried for a few weeks! We only told family and close friends, as I knew others who had gone through miscarriages and wanted to wait. About 8 weeks into my pregnancy I started cramping and bleeding, a lot…large clots. I called my doctor, it was a Saturday so I had to leave a message and wait to be called back. When she called she told me based on my description that I had miscarried. She told me to take pain reliever as needed, to use tampons if I wanted to, and to come in to see her on the following Friday (my already-scheduled appointment). So I did as she said. That Friday I went in and she said my blood work seemed odd, that I still had too much hormone…that I may still be pregnant. I went for an ultrasound and they determined the baby was still there and the heartbeat and everything was fine! We were so excited! We still hadn’t shared our pregnancy news with many people yet. At 3 months, about 13 weeks, we shared our news with everyone! It’s supposed to be “safe” then, right?! We posted on Facebook, put up the sonogram, everything! And then at 14 weeks I started bleeding again… We rushed to the hospital, this time we didn’t want to take any chances. They ordered an ultrasound and we went to our doctor’s office (also in the hospital). During the ultrasound, the baby was moving, the heart was beating, the tech seemed like everything was ok. I went into the exam room at my doctor’s and suddenly felt a gush of blood. I went to the bathroom and the bleeding just wouldn’t stop. My husband and the doctor stood outside the door, asking if they could help, and I just couldn’t stop crying! The blood just kept coming. And the cramping was horrible! My doctor asked me if I wanted to go home to pass the baby, but I just couldn’t…I didn’t want to have to deal with it on my own. So they sent me to the maternity ward, put me on the far end so I wouldn’t have to hear other babies, and I just waited. It seemed like forever. And it wasn’t just period pain as my doctor said it would be…it was awful! Now that I’ve gone through a delivery I can say that it was definitely regular labor pain. The nurses pretty much left me alone and told me to call if I needed to or if I felt that I passed the baby. Finally I went to the bathroom and felt something come out, it was my baby. The sac came out whole, so I didn’t actually get to see the baby, but my doctor examined it to make sure everything had come out. After my miscarriage, my doctor told me she felt I had an incompetent cervix, that I would never be able to carry a baby without having it stitched, that I would have to be on bed rest for my future pregnancies. I told her that I was the one who worked, my husband is disabled, and she said “Well, you’ll have to decide what is a priority”. Wow… She sent me to a specialist to discuss it. He told me she was wrong, that you can’t diagnose an incompetent cervix at only 14 weeks. I ended up getting pregnant about a year later, and had that specialist as my OB. The pregnancy went fine, I carried Silas to 39 weeks and he came out perfect! I can’t help but wonder if I miscarried because of my first doctor’s advice. I question what I did wrong. And I still grieve on May 5, the day I delivered my first baby. I thought it would be easier this year, having had my son in December…it was still so hard. My husband didn’t realize what was wrong, why I was emotional, until I reminded him of the date of my miscarriage. Then he grieved with me. I know that God brought us through the miscarriage in order to help others. I want my story to be told so that it can glorify God. He brought us through so much pain, and gave us a beautiful little boy! I don’t understand his ways, but I’m glad for his presence in our lives and for the gift of our son! If our story helps even one person, it was worth going through!

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