Told by: Melonie
I woke up the morning of May 31st feeling good. It was the first official day of my maternity leave and I was going to get to hold my precious baby girl in my arms in just 7 more days (scheduled C section). I had a meeting at my oldest son’s school in the morning and then a non stress test at my OBGYN office directly afterwards. I had 2 NSTs a week as I was carrying an excessive amount of water and there were concerns that the baby could get a knot in her cord from moving around a great deal, as she had more room than the average 36 week infant. The meeting at my son’s school went well. I picked him up from class and with him and my 15 month old I headed to the Dr.’s office. I got to the office and checked in and a few minutes later was called back to get hooked up. I was chit-chatting with the nurse as she was getting me hooked up to the monitors. She started to search for the baby, nothing unusual as I am only 61″ tall and I was 48″ around she had a lot of space to hide. The nurse told me she was going to go get the doctor as she wasn’t very good at finding squirming little ones. My doctor came into the room and searched for a few seconds and then grabbed my hand and snatched me up and had me lie down on the ultrasound table. At this point I started to get a little nervous but still felt confident that she was just being uncooperative. The doctor moved the ultrasound instrument across my abdomen and then shook his head and said ‘I think she is gone.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Here I am at the doctor’s office with my 2 boys and the doctor is telling me my baby is gone. My memory is not clear for this time but I can remember saying over and over again “I can’t do this, I am not strong enough, God I can’t do this” The doctor was trying to quiet me, they put me and my children in a room and told me I should call my family. Somewhere in that haze I called my sister, my parents and my husband. The doctor. wanted to send me to the hospital to get a confirmation ultrasound before we decided on the next step. The next thing I remember is being at the hospital in registration. I still to this day HATE the woman in registration who so coldly asked me questions and made me fill out paperwork for the next 20 minutes. I just wanted to get to the ultrasound room, I was sure that the doctor was mistaken and my baby girl was ok. Finally after what seemed like hours they called me into the ultrasound room. I laid there on the table as my husband held my hand while they searched for Lola’s little heartbeat. There was none, my sweet baby was gone. The doctor was so cold he said he was going to send me home and call me in the morning to schedule my C section for the next day. He expected me to just go home have dinner and go to bed like nothing had happened. I still HATE him for that. I did not go home, if I had gone home I would not be here right now. My family insisted that I be admitted and put under 24 hr.watch to be sure I didn’t harm myself. I know that if I had gone home I would of taken every pill in the medicine cabinet, there is not a doubt in my mind. I will never forgive my doctor for how cold he was. The only things that got me through the first night were my family, my husband and a few wonderful nurses. I woke up the next morning knowing that they were going to perform the surgery in a few hours. Even going into surgery I felt that there was a chance that the doctor was wrong and she would be ok. I chose to just have a spinal instead of a general. If she started to cry when they delivered her I wanted to be awake to hear it. I lay there as they delivered her. I listened waiting for her sweet voice praying her back to life, my prayers went unanswered. I went to sleep. A few hours after the surgery they brought me my little girl. She was so beautiful. She was just under 6 lbs so tiny but so beautiful. She had jet black hair and peaches and cream skin. She was wrapped in a little pink blanket. She looked like a little pink angel. I held her in my arms all night and through half of the next day, until the funeral home came to pick her up. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, letting go of my helpless, silent little baby. We held a memorial sevice for Leilani Eve or Lola (the nickname we had given her when we found out we were expecting a little girl) a few weeks after her birth. My father did the service, something that must of took incredible strength on his part, and my sisters sang some songs for her. After the service my husband, I, and Lola’s older brothers walked my precious little girl’s ashes to the ocean and released her into the sea. My baby girl would be 1 year old today. We are going to have a birthday party for her and plant a small garden in her memory. My heart aches for my baby girl every single day and will continue to do so until the day I get hold her again.