His Love Flows From Me

Told by: April

God help me! Where do I go from here?

A few months ago my husband and I went to the E.R. for what I thought was an infection of some sort as I’d just started spotting.  We discovered on Valentine’s Day of all days that our son had no heartbeat.  When we heard this I thought my own heart had stopped!  It was as though someone had sucked all of the oxygen out of the room.  I’d had a previous miscarriage years ago at 7 weeks (although our recent one was actually classified as a stillbirth).  Now I’m finding out that my 2nd chance at happiness was gone at 7 months?  Whoever said that 7 was a lucky number is absolutely insane!  Evidently my placenta had erupted.  Jacob was always a very active baby and he somehow managed to wrap the umbilical chord around his entire body multiple times.  I couldn’t understand how my doctor was telling me that my child was gone but yet I could still feel him MOVING inside of me.  They told me it was the amniotic fluid around him making him move.  It dawned on me that even though I’d been feeling him “move” inside me I couldn’t remember the last time I actually felt him kick.  Two nights before this I was in writhing pain….so much to the point to where I vomited just from the sheer level of pain.  I’m barely under 4 ft, 9 in. and weigh about 95 lbs.  I was told from Day 1 that I could expect to feel every ache, pain, etc. because I was so tiny.  I couldn’t believe that the level of pain I was in 2 nights before this and the weight I’d lost in the 2 previous weeks hadn’t been a huge red flag!  I’d lost something like 10 lbs. from suddenly becoming so sick the last 2 weeks.  I didn’t really have nausea all that much up till then but suddenly I’d had it full blown for the last 2 weeks.  I just thought that it came with the territory but we now know that it was pre-eclampsia which is extremely rare at 28 weeks.  Even my doctor said that when he looked at Jacob he could tell it had been about 2 days since it had happened.  I couldn’t believe that I didn’t connect the dots!   After we’d just been hit with this bombshell news they then discovered that my blood pressure was through the roof!  It had shot up to over 200.  I had full blown pre-eclampsia!  This should’ve killed me or at the very least gave me a stroke.  They then gave me something to get my blood pressure down and I ended up passing out as my husband just barely caught me.  I have no memory of this happening.  When I came to my hearing was sort of warped…..kind of like hearing through a straw.  I heard bits and pieces of the nurse saying something about “a 2nd seizure lasting longer than the 1st”.  Due to the fact that my blood pressure was so insanely high my doctor had me knocked out and I had to have an emergency C-section.  A few hours later I woke up very groggy and held my tiny, lifeless child.  His little body was so red and bruised from the trauma but yet somehow he was still perfect to me.  I couldn’t believe that I was going through this again but much further along.  I know that God didn’t do this.  Satan did this but God allowed it and I’m very hurt that He didn’t intervene.

I’d like to make a small request to anyone who reads this.  I know some of you will disagree with me and you have the right to your opinions but please do not try to tell me that God did this.  I know deep in my soul that He didn’t.  God never intended for his children to hurt.  When we hurt He hurts.  I know that when this happened His heart broke for us.  After all, He lost a son too on the cross.  I know He knows our pain.  Sometimes God allows things to happen to humble us and draw us closer to Him.  I know some of you are scoffing at me right now.  “How would God taking your child bring you closer to Him” right?  I can’t speak for anyone else but for us it did.  We thought we’d be angry at God but amazingly we weren’t.  We’d been fighting a lot in the previous months and I hadn’t been taking it as easy as I should’ve taking care of my disabled mother so even though these actions didn’t ultimately cause Jacob’s death they could’ve just as easily.  It is because of this that we felt like we had no right to blame God when we’d been so careless.   I love my husband with all of my heart but for years I’ve been so scared that I wouldn’t meet him in heaven one day because he wasn’t saved.  Jacob’s death brought us to our knees and it drew us closer to God.  For the first time ever I finally had the comfort of knowing that we would all be together in heaven one day.  My husband began to get his walk with God right.  He wanted to know for sure that he would definitely be in heaven with Jacob and I one day.  I have to believe that this is the amazing gift that came out of our son’s tragedy.  I’d give anything in this life to have my precious son back in my arms but at least I now know that his death was not in vain.

There is a book that was given to me that I hope some of you will seek out.  It’s called “Heaven Is For Real”.  It’s about a little boy named Colton Burpo that had a near death experience and was in heaven for a short time.  It brought me to tears but it gave me an amazing glimpse into Jacob’s world.  If any of you are a bit skeptical please give this book a chance.  Colton knew things that he couldn’t have possibly known unless if his experience was real.  He saw his father “raging at God” when he was in a completely different area of the hospital.  He heard the prayers that his father prayed as he was pleading with God to spare his son’s life.  He even met his great grandfather “Pop” who had died decades before he was even born.  He’d never even been told about Pop.  This story is very true, very real, very powerful, and VERY comforting to anyone who has ever lost a child.

I apologize for making this so long but whenever I start talking about Jacob it just sort of overflows out of me.

This entry was posted in 07 weeks, 28 weeks, Infertility / Recurrent Loss. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to His Love Flows From Me

  1. Bonnie Evans says:

    Praise the Lord for this testimony!

  2. Rachel Stogner says:

    Thank you April for sharing from your heart. It is precious to read what God is doing in your life and see you giving the glory and honor to Him. Thank you!

  3. This is beautifully told, sweet sister of mine! I love you!

  4. April Seamen says:

    I love all of you too. I just finished reading a story on AOL about a woman named Melissa Sherman that has just gone through the same thing and I sent the site to her. I just hope it helps her and that she will take advantage of it as I did to vent. It gave me an outlet that I desperately needed. The pain of loosing him is still very overwhelming but it helped to connect with other women that know what this feels like.

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