Ruby’s Butterflies

Told by: Nikita

Three weeks ago at 40 weeks and 2 days I went into labour. I did not know if I was having and boy or girl. I felt the baby moving at 10am when my partner and I were having breakfast, when I stood up after having breakfast I began to have contractions. They were a little different though because there was no relief. It was a constant contraction and my belly was extremely hard the whole time. I told my partner that we should go home because I assumed I was in the early stages of labour. By the time I had gotten home from the cafe which is about a 20 min drive I could not stand up without feeling as though I was going to faint, I began to go deaf and couldn’t hear. Although I still thought I was in early labour which I was I notice that these symptoms were different from when I went into labour with my two sons who are 6yrs and 2yrs. We decided to go to the hospital. We got to the hospital at 12pm which was 2hrs since I last felt the baby move. Once we got there I waited about 5 minutes before going straight through to the birthing suit. My partner and a midwife pretty much carried my through because I was finding it hard to walk. The midwife hooked up the fetal monitor up to check the baby’s heart beat. I immediately noticed the silence and knew that normally there was some kind of heart beat noises even if it was not consistent. I asked the midwife if she had the volume on the machine down, she never replied she just said the baby may be in a difficult position and she was going to get someone more experienced.  Another nurse came in and tried to find the heart beat. They found a heart beat although it was faint and very slow. I knew in my heart that it was my heart beat they could hear because I know the difference between an adult heart beat and a baby’s. I cant remember much from then. I remember them bringing in the ultrasound machine and looking for the baby’s heart beat. I could not look at the screen and just kept looking at my partners face. He was looking at the screen and I saw his face change, he began to cry and that was how I knew I had lost my baby. I faintly heard the doctor say ” I am sorry but your baby has passed away”. I could not believe it because I had felt the baby moving 2 hours before. I was hoping this was just a bad dream. After 6 hours of labour I delivered a beauty baby girl at 9.1 pounds and so perfect in every way. She just looked like she was sleeping and she was so peaceful. I will never forget that pain I felt in my chest which I still have right now. I will never forget my partners pain when he cried his heart out and told me it was a girl. Three weeks on my heart is aching and I know it will forever. My other children have been deeply affected also and my partner is struggling to accept what has happened. We named our daughter Ruby Jo and being Aboriginal we gave her a totem being the butterfly. The beautiful thing is the day we buried her 2 weeks ago there were butterflies everywhere. We now see butterflies all the time. I know she is with us always but I will never be the same again. She has changed me and her father forever and made us appreciate the children we have so much more and also every thing in our lives.

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2 Responses to Ruby’s Butterflies

  1. Jennifer Smith says:

    First I want to say that I am also Native American and I am sorry for your loss. However, I have been trying to find someone who would understand what I am going though. I lost my son November 28 2008. We had a perfect pregnancy and I went into labor the night before. I was at 40 weeks and thought everything was fine, the contractions were normal and I waited until they were five minutes apart like I was told by my OB. When my husband and I got to the hospital and I was hooked up to the monitor to check for a heart beat they could not find one. I still was not worried and they just sent in a doctor. He told us we had lost the baby. I still don’t know what I was thinking at the time but I just didn’t understand. I never even thought that losing Parker was an option. The hospital immediately took us to a private room and hooked me up to machines to keep me sedated. I think that is the only thing that helped at the beginning because I didn’t have to remember every detail. The doctor wanted me to have a natural birth but I had made up my mind that I would not go though the pain and go home empty handed. After 15 hours of labor my doctor agreed to a c-section. I had to be put out for the surgery as the epidural didn’t work on me. So my husband was not able to be there for the birth nor was I going to remember it. After I woke up I got to see Parker. He was a miniature of my husband and what I remember the most is how soft his forehead was and how big his hands were. We have pictures of him but the memories are better. The hospital let us keep him with us for as long as we needed him there. The most heart breaking thing for me was that our whole family was still there for us even when all their hearts were broken too. I am now pregnant again four years later and I am terrified that this is going to happen again. But I know I have to have faith that this time we will be able to bring our baby home. The pain never goes away but it does lessen. I hope that eventually things will get easier for you and your family, thank you for sharing.

  2. liz says:

    hi, after trying to concieve for 5 years, your story is almost the same as what happened to me, in the summer during my pregnancy i was out in my back yard, there was 2 cocoons on my yard wall, i watched them hatch into white butterflys and flew away right before my eyes.i had been in labour for 3 days, contractions regular, about 12 visits to the hospital, they just kept sending me home. i was 40 weeks. after being made to wait for 25 minutes in the waiting room i was finally shown through to a delivery suite, they hooked me up to the monitors, i could not hear the heartbeat, the radio was on in the background and all i can recall is hearing the song with butterflys in it, the midwife turned the radio off, and kept trying to find the babys heartbeat, i was paniking at this point, she told me that the baby had just moved away from the machine :/ anyway she went off and came back with a scan machine, they started to scan me and my worst fears happened. the babys heartbeat had stopped. i screamed an screamed and everywhere was just silent. within a couple of hours isobel-ann was born weighing 6lbs6oz, we spent all of that night and the next day with her, and visited her in the chapel of rest each day running upto her funeral (her funeral was only 5 days after her birth), we did clay imprints of her hands and feet, took loads of photographs, washed and dressed her, she was just too perfect!
    we had put on her grave stone
    isobel-ann cunningham carron
    born peacefully sleeping 2/1/12
    too precious for this world
    our little butterfly

    Butterlys are a very big significance to many angel parents, maybe its because they are so beautiful and dont live very long?
    i had a miscariage on the 2/1/11 and lost isobel on 2/1/12 right down the the same time they were both born a year to the day.
    i have also just had another miscariage at 3 weeks.
    i feel your pain hunni
    lots of hugs xxx

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