Told by: Nikita
Three weeks ago at 40 weeks and 2 days I went into labour. I did not know if I was having and boy or girl. I felt the baby moving at 10am when my partner and I were having breakfast, when I stood up after having breakfast I began to have contractions. They were a little different though because there was no relief. It was a constant contraction and my belly was extremely hard the whole time. I told my partner that we should go home because I assumed I was in the early stages of labour. By the time I had gotten home from the cafe which is about a 20 min drive I could not stand up without feeling as though I was going to faint, I began to go deaf and couldn’t hear. Although I still thought I was in early labour which I was I notice that these symptoms were different from when I went into labour with my two sons who are 6yrs and 2yrs. We decided to go to the hospital. We got to the hospital at 12pm which was 2hrs since I last felt the baby move. Once we got there I waited about 5 minutes before going straight through to the birthing suit. My partner and a midwife pretty much carried my through because I was finding it hard to walk. The midwife hooked up the fetal monitor up to check the baby’s heart beat. I immediately noticed the silence and knew that normally there was some kind of heart beat noises even if it was not consistent. I asked the midwife if she had the volume on the machine down, she never replied she just said the baby may be in a difficult position and she was going to get someone more experienced. Another nurse came in and tried to find the heart beat. They found a heart beat although it was faint and very slow. I knew in my heart that it was my heart beat they could hear because I know the difference between an adult heart beat and a baby’s. I cant remember much from then. I remember them bringing in the ultrasound machine and looking for the baby’s heart beat. I could not look at the screen and just kept looking at my partners face. He was looking at the screen and I saw his face change, he began to cry and that was how I knew I had lost my baby. I faintly heard the doctor say ” I am sorry but your baby has passed away”. I could not believe it because I had felt the baby moving 2 hours before. I was hoping this was just a bad dream. After 6 hours of labour I delivered a beauty baby girl at 9.1 pounds and so perfect in every way. She just looked like she was sleeping and she was so peaceful. I will never forget that pain I felt in my chest which I still have right now. I will never forget my partners pain when he cried his heart out and told me it was a girl. Three weeks on my heart is aching and I know it will forever. My other children have been deeply affected also and my partner is struggling to accept what has happened. We named our daughter Ruby Jo and being Aboriginal we gave her a totem being the butterfly. The beautiful thing is the day we buried her 2 weeks ago there were butterflies everywhere. We now see butterflies all the time. I know she is with us always but I will never be the same again. She has changed me and her father forever and made us appreciate the children we have so much more and also every thing in our lives.