Told by: Maggie
This St. Patrick’s day, March 17th, 2012, I gave birth to my daughter at 20 weeks 1 day. We found out the Thursday before that she had a cephalic disorder in which her brain never developed after her brain stem and cerebellum as well as having a cleft palate. All we were expecting to find out was the sex and the full anatomy ultrasound. We were told she would not live longer than a few minutes-hours, and that was IF she survived the birthing process. They gave me the option to deliver soon, or wait until my labor started naturally. It killed me to have to make a decision; deliver now and she won’t suffer, or continue to carry my child, who was still actively kicking and growing, just so she could die a few minutes to hours after birth. We went in Friday March 16th 2012 at 5 am to start my induction. I held it together the whole time and didn’t cry, I had my friends and family around me, my daughter, my husband, and the hospital staff was amazing. I was the ONLY woman in Labor and Delivery, and if someone came in to give birth, they were going to put them on the other side of the L&D wing. Makayla Rose was born at 8:47am Saturday March 17, 2012. My heart has never ached more than it did at the moment I delivered her. I felt empty, like it was against everything I have ever known. It has only been a week and a half, and somedays I wonder how life will ever be normal again. Then I think, “THIS is the new normal, I just have to adjust. Our lives will never be the same.”
Everyday I talk to her and always ask her to watch over me, my husband, and our 2 year old. We got a memory box of stuff for Makayla from the hospital. And when our daughter is a litle older, we will explain that she is a big sister and her baby sister is in heaven and watches over her every single day and she can always talk to her.
I hope you are finding strength to live each day, I know how hard it is to wonder “why did this happen to me?” Just know you are not alone and he is watching over you everyday.
I always have the quote to help me get through rough times….”Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my daughter on my lap and tell her about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold her on your lap and tell her about us?”