I Didn’t Know – I Won’t Forget

Told by: April

I had a beautiful baby girl Maylee Jurie on 2/29/2012 I was 28 weeks. I had been to the doctor the Monday before and her heartbeat and everything was good. That weekend I wasn’t feeling her move as much so I called the doctor that Monday. He sent me for a non stress test and there I found out she had no heart beat or fluid around her. That next morning I had went in to be induced. I had 20 long hours of labor and then she was born. She was perfect, beautiful in every way. I held her for 10 which was not long enough. I wanted her forever!!!! It’s been 2 weeks and I have so many hurts. Everyday is a stepping stone. My moods are different day to day. The doctor says I leaked all my fluid out and the cord was around her neck. Other than that no answers. The day I left the hospital I had to make funeral arrangements and everything seemed so unreal. I try everyday, but the day is long and hard. I blame myself for not knowing, I blame the doctor for not catching it ,I’ve even been mad at my body and at God. Regardless she’s not coming back and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I have pictures, memories and I’ll never forget her. I felt this pregnancy was going great I had no problems at all. I had thought about going to a high risk doctor because 10 years ago when I had my daughter I had HELLPS and it almost took both of out lives. But I didn’t. I have a lot of things to get through to forgive myself for. I started taking an antidepressant, going for help, joined a support group…I’m trying and that’s all I can do.

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8 Responses to I Didn’t Know – I Won’t Forget

  1. Cindy says:

    Lots of love to you!

  2. Angie says:

    Oh, sweet April… I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so horrible to lose a child and not even realize it happened until after the fact. I’ve been there- 6.5 years ago I lost my son Anduril. I was 22.5 weeks and had no idea he’d passed away until i went in to a routine OB visit and they didn’t find his heartbeat.

    It is so shocking. There’s nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. You just hurt because you are her mother and what does a mother do when her child dies? She hurts. Her heart bleeds.

    I am so sorry… As you heal, please don’t censor your feelings. Let them wash over you- acknowledge each one. Let them flow through you and then out into the world. As time passes, the strong feelings- anger, grief, guilt, despair- these will come less often and will be weaker… Like the ocean surf, sometimes one will bowl you over when you aren’t looking. Your heart will fill, overflow and will purge… You will never ‘get over’ your loss- never. This kind of pain is too deep. It *changes* you into a new person, transforms you into something… more.

    Maylee has made you someone new. Her life has tremendous power. Every good thing you do from now on- everytime you are a little more patient or a little more kind- will because Maylee made you realize that this kind of pain is possible and maybe someone else is feeling it. That’s a powerful way to impact the world, April…

    Blessings to you on your journey. I am praying for you…

    Angie

  3. April says:

    It’s been a rough few days. My heart aches my dreams shattered. I have a 12 year old boy and 10 year old girl and I’m so thankful for them. I feel like a different person. I see things so much more different than before. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. It’s hard to not have her kicking in my tummy or hearing her heartbeat. I hope in time to be strong. I hope one day my story will help someone else through a hard time. I went to my first support group today and it went well. It’s nice to share things with others who know how your feeling.

  4. Kristina Glenn says:

    Hello April
    I know your feeling and your questions. I gave birth to my baby girl still on 02/28/12. I feel the same crazy roller coaster of emotions. I’m angry a lot it seems. Mad at myself, the doctors; just mad. Then I have my moments that I am super sad and my moments of “Why my little girl, Why me, How did this happen…..etc..etc..” everyone says the ache in your heart never goes away but it does get easier. I sure hope so ya know. I am praying for you and your family. If you ever want to talk just let me know.

    • April says:

      I would love to talk more. I feel like I’m just crazy at times. My family thinks I’ve gone crazy they just don’t say it. Yesterday was a bad day for me. I laid in bed all day cried and cried. It was two weeks ago yesterday. I feel so much is my fault. I feel I should have known. I know that there is nothing that can be done now. I feel at times my boyfriend don’t care or don’t hurt. But I know we are just grieving different. I want a baby so bad, but I know mentally I’m not ready for it. I found a website that makes dolls and if you send in a photo they try to get as close as possible. It’s 1400 dollars when I told my mom she thought I lost it. I think I want it to hold look at talk to. I miss her so much and want her back, but that’s never going to happen. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel and I’m here if you ever want to talk. I try everyday, but everyday I’m on a different ride. I have tons of pictures an outfit I had made for her that she was going to come home in. They say it gets easier, but right now I don’t think it’s possible. She is so beautiful and perfect and I can’t think it will get easier. I’m just heartbroken.

  5. April Seamen says:

    Dear April, My name too is April. I too lost my child, a son….Jacob, at 28 weeks. We found out a few months ago on Valentine’s Day of all days. My heart aches for you as I know all to well what this feels like. I lost my first at 7 weeks pregnant and now my 2nd at 7 months. Whoever said that 7 was a lucky number is insane. Angie is right. Don’t ever fight the grief. I’ve learned just to let it flow. It will hit you at very strange, random times. Sometimes things that you think will make you cry won’t and things that you don’t think would make you cry will. It will be very confusing at times but don’t ever think that something is wrong with you or that you’re crazy. Yesterday I went to his grave and found it odd that I didn’t cry yet today I just got home from the store and have been crying for the past 2 hours. Nothing even happened to trigger it. Sometimes it won’t make sense why it hits you harder at such strange times but know that it is completely normal. It’s the minds way of protecting you and helping you cope…..kind of like a defense mechanism. As for your boyfriend, you’re right. He’s grieving in a different way. Men have it engrained in them to be the strong ones, especially for us women. They are natural protectors. I thought the same thing about my husband at first but I found I was SO wrong. Sometimes he grieves with me but so often I find that he waits until he thinks I can’t hear him to silently cry. Just a few weeks ago on my original due date (May 6th) we were lying in bed and once he thought I was asleep he broke down and silently cried as he was holding me. Ohhh how my heart ached! I promise you your boyfriend grieves when he thinks no one’s looking. Whether he admits it or not I promise you his heart is broken too. I found that with my husband I couldn’t push him to grieve in front of me. When he was ready he came to me on his own. We have these pictures of Jesus holding a baby. These are what we consider to be Jacob’s photos. He keeps one in his truck. He admitted to me that every morning on his 30 minute drive to work he stares at it and has cried so many times. Let your boyfriend come to you. When he’s ready he will and you will find that grieving together bonds you in a way you didn’t think was possible. I’m going to attach a website with the picture I was talking about. We actually ordered 3 of the pictures on there. The most comforting one was on page 2. It’s the first one you’ll see. Jesus is holding a child and the child is laughing and smiling so beautifully. It’s actually what we’re going to put on his gravestone because it’s how we believe he is in heaven now. We believe that the day he died on earth was the day he was born in heaven. Believe it or not the bible actually says that children grow up in heaven. If they can’t be with us then they get to be raised by the most amazing father! I’m not sure what your spiritual preference is but whatever it is please know that these words are spoken with love. Here’s the website: photobucket.com/images/jesus%20holding%20baby/ If you have any trouble with this just go to Google and type in “Jesus holding baby” and it’s the first site that comes up. My heart is with you.

    -April S.

    • April Seamen says:

      P.S. Do you remember when you were a child and your mother or father would throw you up in the air and catch you and you would just laugh endlessly? That’s what that picture on page two makes me think of. I hope it brings you a little comfort as it did for us.

      -April S.

      • April says:

        Thank you so much for your words. I do believe she’s in heaven and is happy, but I’m sad:( really miss her everyday. It hasn’t gotten any easier and I’ve pretty much just shut the world out except my job. I can’t seem to find any happiness even though I have two beautiful healthy kids. I try to, but I just don’t ever want to do anything but sleep or work. I’m trying very hard to keep going and do the best I can, but this pain is the worst pain I’ve ever had in my life and seems it’s never going to get better. Sometimes well most times I want to dig her up and bring her home where she belongs, but I’ve put her to rest and can’t. It hurts and when I even try to talk about her people look at me crazy and like I shouldn’t be. But I’m still breathing so I guess that’s something.

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