He is Real – He is Loved

Told by: Tesha

The birth of my beautiful baby boy. It all happened very fast and was so unexpected. I went to a routine doctors appointment on Monday, January 23rd. The prior week I had the flu and had to reschedule my January 18th appointment until the following Monday. When I arrived my blood pressure was high but they thought it was due to my sickness. During the doctors routine examination she began to check for the babys heartbeat. After an agonizing 10 minutes or so she said she needed to send me to the emergency room because she could not find his heartbeat. I was worried, but honestly thought everything was fine.  After all, we had just seen our little guy on a 3D ultrasound the week before. I thought he was just hiding. I called my my husband and after delivering my five other children to their Mam’s, we proceeded to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital I was pretty relaxed. After all, we had sent text messages to our church family, personal friends and family members, everyone was praying. Surely God would not let that many people down, and besides I have a miracle baby and know that God can come through even in bleak circumstance. The ultrasound confirmed what seemed unimaginable to me, our sweet baby boy was already in heaven. In shock, we gathered our family to prepare for Jonathan’s delivery the next day. I felt so alone and lost that night, how was it possible my baby was dead? I could have sworn I felt him kick that night. January 24th, 2012 will be etched on my heart and mind forever. Although I had given birth to five babies, my arrival at the hospital on this day was indescribable. I had been anxious and afraid before but this time I was embarking on a journey that would forever change me. A road no mommy would ever want to walk. As I lay awaiting Jonathan Anthony’s arrival I pondered what would life be like now, how I would it feel to leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. My husband never left my side, yet I felt alone. My wonderful Mother-in-Law and Sister-in-law joined me for his birth. They looked through the memory box the hospital had provided us, and gave me some helpful information designed to help me through this time. I never had such conflicting emotions while desperately wanting it to be over, I knew the end result of his birth would be the ultimate goodbye. The sunset on Johnathan’s birthday we could see it from our hospital window! At around 7:30 I felt the urge to push, when the doctor checked me she said we had to wait until I was fully dilated. She informed us Jonathan’s body could be damaged from the delivery. This is when my tears gave way to panic because it had not crossed my mind, the consequence death had taken on his little body. I begged my husband to pray that Jonathan would be born quickly and entirely whole. My scream “the baby is coming” was within seconds after his prayer was finished. Jonathan Anthony was born at 7:40p.m. I was terrified to see, would his precious body be intact? I took him into my arms and immediately my heart overflowed with motherly love. He was perfect, and I adored him. The next hours were our cherished, blessed time with our son. My husband and I held him, talked to him and prayed over him. I unwrapped his little body and did my best to commit every tiny detail to memory. We took many pictures; I am so grateful we did. When the nurse came to take his hand and footprints I will never forget the compassion and love she showed. When she took him from my arms and spoke to him as if he belonged to her. She said “Hello handsome little man, I am here to take care of you.” Even writing these words the tears begin to flow. Her considerate beautiful words still take my breath away. As the time passed we knew the moment would arrive. We would have to say fair-well to Jonathan for the rest of our lives here on earth. My tenderhearted husband said “We can’t let him go on his BIRTHDAY”. So at a little past midnight, we said goodbye to our beloved son. My grief in that moment threatened to consume me, I felt devastated beyond compare but just as the darkness was closing in, I heard the still small voice of my Jesus. God’s presence was there with us, although He did not remove the pain, He carried me and held me. The next day the amazing nurse that had been so compassionate to Jonathan and myself came to visit. I told her thank you from the bottom of my heart. Her replies will be forever engraved on my heart. She said “No, thank you, Jonathan was one lucky boy to be so loved, some children live a lifetime and do not know the love he had.” I will be forever thankful for my angel nurse. We did leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart, however we also left with resolve.

A quiet determination filled my heart to honor my sweet Angel baby, to make sure the world knew he existed and was so very loved.

Jonathan Anthony my darling, you are precious, cherised, remembered and beloved. Thank you Jesus that I do not walk alone, you are my constant companion. Isaiah 43:2-3 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 3 For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

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4 Responses to He is Real – He is Loved

  1. Angie says:

    Oh, Tesha… I could have written so much of your story myself! The regualr doctor’s visit, the missing heartbeat, the confusion and fear at delivery and the word you used- perfect- that is exactly how I thought of my own dear son, Anduril. I am sitting here in tears remembering how we unwrapped our son, committed every detail to memory (he looked exactly like his dad) and how hard it was to let him go… I believe, like you do, that he is waiting for us… And like your sweet Jonathan, he was so very loved… Hugs, dear sister. I believe there is a special joy waiting us in heaven…

    “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rev. 21: 3-4 NIV

  2. amy says:

    Tesha i am so sorry for your pain. It hurts so much not to have my babies so i know you ate hurting too. Thank you for leaving me that song on your comment on my story that means so much.
    Im here for you too if you need to talk

    • Tesha says:

      Thanks Amy, I am lonely….. this is such a awesome place that we can chat and get to know other mommies. I hope you are in a better place in your life I don’t think you mentioned how long ago this was. I left home at 15 and it was hard, I meet girls that age now and my heart breaks for my own and other girls lost Innocents. I have a wonderful family now and God has headed all those broken pieces of me, from my childhood. I hope you are safe and in a better place then you were. I will say a prayer for you tonight.
      many blessings Tesha

  3. Lizzie Moore says:

    This is the first time that I have checked one of these websites out. I just had my son on Jan 24, 2012. And just like your story. I had my regular doctor appt on the 19th and he was fine and perfectly healthy. And on the 23rd I did not feel him move so I went to the hospital where I was confirmed of my fears that he was gone. I then was induced and had him the next afternoon. He was everything that i had imagined him to be. Perfect in every way. Dexter Rowan Robert Moore, our angel baby. I am so sorry for your loss and just know that I will have you and your family in my heart and prayers
    Lizzie

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