My Silent Love

Told by: Echo

I am 22 years old and have been pregnant 4 times but only had one successful pregnancy where I had my beautiful daughter just over 3 yrs ago. The first time I was pregnant I didn’t even know that I was until I went to the hospital for severe pain in my abdomen. I then found out I had a ectopic pregnancy. It was so horrible I had a hard time with this as I was 8 weeks along and they said I needed to have it removed. I seen the baby and heard the heart beat when they did the ultrasound and still to this day almost 5 years later it hurts to even think about it. I had it removed surgically I have a scar similar to those who have had a c-section I hate to even look at it but its there. My second pregnancy we were so happy to hear it wasn’t an ectopic we were looking forward to having a baby and Febuary 14th 2008 I went to my doctor for my first appointment for him to tell me that I was about 6 weeks but my baby wasn’t measuring any more then 4 weeks that I was most likely experencing a miscarriage. This was horrible news he said come back in a week and we will see if there is any changes that night I started cramping and bleeding I went to the ER they then confirmed what I already knew and I need to have a D&C. I was in the recovery room after the procedure was done and my friend then pregnant with her first baby came in all I could say to her was “at least I won’t be getting fat like you.” I feel bad for making the comment but I wasn’t the least bit happy about her being pregnant when I had seemed to have the worst time having a successful pregnancy. I then ended up pregnant a little less then 2 weeks later with my daughter. Though it was a great experience being pregnant and stuff I still hurt to the 2 babies I previously lost. I watch my little girl grow up and think the what if my other babies were here or at least my first baby….. My daughter wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t lost my second one and I feel bad that I think that way but its true in a sense. After giving birth to my daughter in November of 2008 I wasn’t the least bit worried about getting pregnant again in June of 2009 2 years after my tubal pregnancy I broke up with my then boyfriend of 2 1/2 years I had some issues with the break up and ended up in the hospital where they told me that I had a chemical pregnancy I was unsure at the time what that meant I had so much other stuff on my mind. I now realize those little things that could’ve been though it would’ve been harder seperating with a whole lot of children and luckily we only had the one child for those purposes its hard to think about the others. I have the hardest time not being able to express and now 5 years after my first and 3 years since my last loss I still don’t know how to cope with it. Nothing has been harder than facing this all alone I know very few people that have dealt with this kind of loss and that even know how it feels. I hate it more then anything as I am now married to a wonderful man that loves me more then anything in the world and loves my daughter as his own. We want another baby but I am sooo scared of having any more babies as I don’t want to lose another one. This is my story and I know it don’t compare to some but its my reality and it is hard!

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This entry was posted in 04 weeks, 08 weeks, Ectopic Pregnancy, Infertility / Recurrent Loss. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to My Silent Love

  1. Juli says:

    Echo, I’m so sorry that you have suffered so much! In the end you said your story doesn’t compare to some, but it hurts. I want you to know that it doesn’t have to compare. You have reason to hurt. It is okay to be scared to conceive again. It even makes since. Be gentle with yourself. I’m sitting here crying because I experienced my first miscarriage today. I have four beautiful and healthy children, I don’t even really want another baby now, yet I cry. I knew I was pregnant because I had SO MANY symptoms. I never even got a positive pregnancy test, but my period was 10 days late. I’ve NEVER been late. My breasts were VERY tender. I only experience this when I’m pregnant. Then I start spotting and cramping hard on the 11th day after the expected period. I spot for three days then I have major cramping all the way through to my back, pain searing down my thighs, and pelvic pressure. This goes on for four hours then stops. Then today I start cramping like this again, go to the bathroom and see a strange clot on the tp. I touched it and it stuck to my finger. I saw a ball of red encased in a clear membrane, another clear ball on one end and a squiggle line of tissue off the clear ball. That’s it. I described it all to my midwife who confirmed it was a miscarriage. I’ve been crying ever since. Why? I didn’t even have a positive pregnancy test. My “baby” is just a glob. Why am I grieving? Because it would have been my baby. No it is my baby and I love it. You see, your story is much more traumatic than mine, but still I hurt. It’s okay to hurt. I pray you are given some peace. I pray you and your husband get to have another baby with no complications. I pray you find healing.
    Tender Hug,
    Juli

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