Waiting for Joy

Told by: Kristin

I just recently went through another miscarriage. This was my third loss and I would like to share my story with all of you. My fiancé and I knew each other for 3 years before we started dating and we got engaged 3 weeks after I finally agreed to give him and me a chance. I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life! After we got engaged we decided to start trying to conceive right away. He has 2 daughters that are 8 and 10 and we didn’t want the kids to be any father apart in age than they already were. We found out we were pregnant about 2 months after we had started trying. I have never been so excited about anything in my entire life! I couldn’t believe I was going to be a mommy! I started having terrible nightmares that I lost the baby and those nightmares along with the minimal cramping that I was having was enough to make me go to the ER to check to see that everything was ok. I was 8 weeks 4 days when I went to the ER and when they performed the ultrasound; everything was measuring perfectly! The baby was measuring exactly 8w4d going perfectly with my last menstrual period and the heartbeat was 172. I was so relieved to see that everything was perfect with my little nugget and I couldn’t wait until my first official OB appointment so I could see my baby again! My first OB appointment was a little less than a week later.

I went in with my best friend and mother and the appointment took a turn for the worse. When they did the ultrasound they were unable to locate a heartbeat. They sent me over to radiology to get a better look and unfortunately they were unable to find a heartbeat as well. It turns out that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days, so just 2 days after I went to the ER my baby had died! It was the last thing I expected to find out! Everything was just fine a week before that! I was lost, crushed, devastated, angry, terrified, and so many more emotions that I still can’t even filter through! I was told that I had the option to wait for my body to expel the baby on its own or I could schedule a D&C. I waited a little over 2 weeks and my body hadn’t done anything at all. I called and scheduled my D&C and it was just time to wait. I started to have very minimal bleeding a day before my surgery. December 14th, 2011, the morning of my surgery, I went through something completely unexpected! I woke up with intense cramping. When I went to the bathroom blood started pouring out of my body! The cramping became more intense and it turned in to contractions! My body was trying to get this baby out of me. Unfortunately I lost way too much blood and was in too much pain to take myself to the surgery center! I called an ambulance and was taken to the ER where they attempted to get my pain under control. Once I was finished being admitted in to the ER they transferred me right over to the Surgery Center and I was immediately put to sleep and taken in for my operation! I woke up some time later and the pain was almost completely gone, the physical pain that is.

Ever since my surgery I have felt like some part of me is missing! I am sad every day and I am trying to figure out the best way to start to move on! I feel as though every person on the outside expects me to be over this terrible loss already! I feel all this pressure to get back to the happy individual that I was before! I am not sure how to get back to that place! I am scared to try again but I feel like the only way for me to feel whole again is for me to have a baby. I have wanted to be a mom for so long and to have that amazing feeling taken away from me after such a short period of time is the worst punishment.  I am trying to stay positive.  I know that I will become a mother when God feels that it is my time.  I guess I just need help moving on to a better place! I need to be healthy physically and mentally in order for me and my fiancé to try to get pregnant again.  That is my story and I thank anyone who takes the time to read this! I am so sorry for everyone else who has gone through the loss of a child, whether that child had been born or not.  It is one of the worst things anyone can go through and I hope that this site helps us all find the strength to get to a better place!!!

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2 Responses to Waiting for Joy

  1. mark estes says:

    Dear Kristin,
    At a time when you feel so bad and that “a part of you is missing”, it is good that you have posted such a heartfelt, deeply personal and important message. Thank you. I am deeply touched by your eloquent message and stand fully with you in spirit as a witness during this challenging and painful time. May you find ALL of the support you want and need here on this site and from your family, friends, and your faith. Your message is so rich and you express so many things on different levels. I am particularly struck by “I feel all this pressure to get back to the happy individual that I was before!”. Please take all the time you need to “be” fully with your grief, as you are able, and to all of the feelings you are experiencing. It really is okay to take all the time you need, no matter what anyone else may imply or any ways that you think you “should” be. You get to do this your way. With “spiritual first aid” in mind, I would ask, how and in what ways can you best care for and gently love your Self at this time? I also hear in in the last part of your message such great compassionate care and concern for others. Those words are gifts to others and I am grateful that you have reached out and offered your powerful witness to them.

    May God bless, comfort and guide you always,

    Mark

  2. Karen says:

    Dear Kristin,
    God is with you and your family. Your story touched me because I too had an ultrasound at 8w6d and found out the baby had passed just a day or two before. When I heard “no heartbeat”, I felt like my own heart would stop. Grieve as you need to and know you will find peace. I will forever love my baby who went to heaven in February 2010. In January 2011, I had a baby girl who is pure joy. Prayers to you, your family, your angel!

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