Told by: Stacy
My story of loss begins with the pregnancy and first months of my oldest daughter’s life. My husband and I got married when she was about 18 months old. I thought this new pregnancy was a way of God showing me that he had blessed our relationship. We had lived across the street from each other and having sons about the same age gave us something in common. I had wandered from my path as a Christian although I was still attending church when we got together. It was a turbulent relationship from the beginning. Not long into the relationship I became pregnant, and discovered I had cancer. I sought God; he sought addiction to deal with the cancer. I left the relationship. After our daughter was born, he started going to church with us. I wanted a Godly father for her while he just wanted time with us. When she was a year old, we discovered she had a minor heart defect. It pulled us closer and we decided it was time to make a commitment to our family. I prayed about it and felt that God was saying yes but to wait until we were more solid in our walk. I wanted another baby, maybe two, as I was in my mid thirties, time seemed important. We started planning the wedding. The sooner the better, what was the point in waiting. We were a family and thought it was best for the children that we be settled into a marriage. We had been celibate since the discovery of cancer and became pregnant within weeks of being married. I was thrilled; he was not. I felt God had blessed our marriage and my wishes for a family. He felt we should have waited and gotten financially stable. At about 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started to bleed. We went into the emergency room and they did an ultrasound. They said the pregnancy looked to be about 5 weeks and there was no fetal heart movement. I could not believe it. Maybe I had been wrong about my dates. Maybe I had ovulated and conceived at two different times and had only miscarried one of the babies. It is rare but happens. I just could not believe that God was not going to allow this baby to come earthside. I cried out to God “this is your blessing on my family”. They wanted to do a D&C. I would not let them. I went home on bedrest. The next day was Father’s Day. My husband took the boys to play their hockey games. My mom took my daughter to watch. I was sad to be missing their games but I didn’t want to risk anything. I got up to the bathroom and saw blood when I pulled back the blankets. Lots of blood. It poured out of me as I tried to stand up. I was hemorrhaging. The mother in me left and the nurse took over. I called my husband to come and get me. I lay back down and elevated my feet on pillows. I could now feel the blood pouring out. I told myself to stay calm for my husband. I thought back to how much I water I had drank and when was the last time I ate. They would want to know that at the hospital. I even looked to see how much blood I was losing so I could tell them. I took my pulse and would have taken my blood pressure if my cuff were close. I was doing everything to distance myself from the fact that I would never hold this baby in my arms. I was dumb for a long time after this. I felt betrayed by my Lord. Had I been wrong to get married? Did I really hear the voice of God? Was I selfish to want another child? Was I being punished for the sins of my past? With time and prayer I have came to realize that God doesn’t work that way. I feel that certain souls are just too fragile for this world. That they must be conceived and returned to God’s Hand. I feel blessed now that God allowed me to be a part of this little one’s beginning. I feel honored to be a wounded healer and help others on this journey.