My Addison

Told by: Tara

Addison Jean
Born sleeping on 10-24-08
Here is her story:

I was 8 weeks when I wiped and saw blood. Please, God…not again! Sure enough after an ultrasound and bloodwork, our baby had died. After discussing our options with my OB, we decided to just let my body work, since it seemed to have already figured it out. It only took 2 days to give birth. Here is my story.

I was bleeding heavily by the 24th. I made it to the bathroom and had a “hat” to pee in, given from the hospital. I peed, and I felt something come out and plop in the water (pee, rather). I had a strainer (also from the hospital) so I poured it in and what remained was a large clot. We thought it was the baby and I was a bit scared, but my husband got me a disposable gladware container to examine it in. I was convinced it wasn’t the baby, but we saved it in the container (from the hospital) just in case. Then I was feeling a bit more crampy, so I went to sit down. In a matter of about 10-15 minutes I had to pee again! I got up, took 3 steps and something else came out. I waddled to the bathroom and pulled down my pants to see the amniotic sac and a large blood clot together on my pad. I knew it was the sac because it was grayish and whole, like a little bigger than a grape. I put it into the container to examine it and noticed a section where I could see into it and saw my baby floating around inside! I was in awe! After some debate, we decided to cut open the bag of waters and hold her skin to skin, as this was our only chance. I gently cut the sac and the waters spilled out. Her little flipper arm was hanging out of the hole, so I turned it and gently squeezed and she slid out onto my hand. I was amazed. She was perfect and looked just like the pictures in the books! She had arms and legs, a slight tail left. We could see her heart through her chest and see her vertebrae through her back. Her skull bones were forming. It was incredible. She measured 2.2 cm. I thought maybe people would think I was weird for wanting to hold her, but after speaking with the nurse who deals with losses here, she said “Who cares what people think! Its YOUR baby! Hold her if you want to!” And I realized she was right. In the end, I was so glad and feel such a sense of peace about it. I brought in the baby and had a burial for her in April where her brother is buried. Another service for my child. Very depressing. We did chromosomal testing and found out it was a girl.

But in the end, the experience was beautiful and I got to hold and see my miraculous child, which I consider myself very lucky for. Everyone deals and heals differently but I say its easier for us for 3 reasons. 1) Our Faith. Without God, where would we be? 2) Eachother. What a huge support system we have been to one another. I couldn’t do this without him. 3) Our terms. Everything was done on our terms and we experienced our losses the way we hoped to. Anything that felt right to do at the time, we did. And that brings a sense of peace about it.

If you want to read about my other miscarried and stillborn children, please see Ariel in Blighted Ovum, Adam in 17 weeks, and Aemon‘s story is here too.

If you’d like to view a photo of my Addison, you can click here.

This entry was posted in 06 weeks, 07 weeks, 08 weeks. Bookmark the permalink.

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