Told by: Tara
Born sleeping on 6-9-08.
1.1 oz, 13 cm long.
Here is his story:
This pregnancy had been going very well until my 16 week checkup. My OB couldn’t find a heartbeat. Not again. I was sent for an ultrasound where the baby measured 14-15 weeks and lay lifeless in my womb. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Women lost babies in the 1st trimester…I’m supposed to be safe! I discussed my options with my OB. Could I let nature take its course? Not safe. Could I be induced? Too risky. She told me my only option was to have a D&C and that the only person qualified to do it this late in the pregnancy was an abortionist. As a pro-life Christian, this was unacceptable news to me. I went home and began making phone calls until I found someone willing to assist me.
I found an OB at a Catholic hospital that was willing to induce labor and allow me to birth as I wanted. What a blessing! I went in on June 9th. I was just over 17 weeks. We got to the hospital at 6:30 am. After a lot of paperwork, bloodwork and preparation, I got my first dose of Cytotec at 9 am. You have to stay in bed for 2 hours to let the medicine melt and work, then you have 2 hours to be free before the next dose. The first dose got me mildly cramping and I had just begun to spot by the time the second dose was given. That one got me bleeding a tiny bit heavier and cramping a lot more.
My mother, father and husband were there up to this point. Just before the 3rd dose, my father left and two women I know from a local women’s ministry came up, both of whom are Doulas. We spent some time talking and preparing emotionally before the cramping was really getting my attention. I then felt like someone reached in me and stretched my cervix, so I knew things were moving along. It happened again a few minutes later and then I felt a pop and a gush. After being checked we discovered my water had broken and the baby was hanging out of my cervix. About 20 minutes later, I adjusted myself and out he came. I began sobbing just knowing it was over and he was here. I didn’t want to see him yet because I just needed a minute to soak in what had happened, and I didn’t want all the distractions when I first saw him. I asked my doula how he looked, and she said he looked good and not to worry. We tried to expel the placenta with no luck, but we had time.
I got cleaned up and was ready to meet my baby. We still didn’t know the sex yet, and just then a nurse came in and asked if anyone had told me yet that it was a boy. We cried again, thrilled at the same time and asked to see him. They dimmed the lights and carried him in wrapped in a bootie/bunting. I got to hold him first and everyone hovered over me to catch a glimpse. Everyone was crying and I whispered “I’m so sorry” to him. Everyone left the room so my husband and I could have a moment alone with him. He was a little brown, but he was perfectly formed. We looked him over and marveled at how perfect he was. So tiny, yet much bigger than we expected. I reached down and lifted his hand onto my finger and my husband took a picture. We took off our wedding rings and laid them next to his head and took another picture. We cried and held eachother for a while. We were a perfect team though. Anytime I was having a breakdown, he was strong and comforting, and anytime he had a breakdown I was calm and comforted him. Our Pastor came and anointed him with oil (us as well), we blessed the baby and talked and prayed. Our pastor offered to do a service for us whenever we were ready and if we wanted to. I’ll never forget his face when he first saw the baby….he smiled and said “I’ve never seen a baby this small…he’s so perfect!” We spent a good 2 hours with Adam taking breaks to attempt to get the placenta out. After 3 hours, we decided a D&C would be appropriate. I went in for surgery, was out in 35 minutes and was finally allowed to eat. Everyone left and we were wheeled up to the postpartum floor. We got little sleep and that afternoon I called down to have Adam brought to us. We spent another 2 hours with him before being released. He was buried the following October.
We consider ourselves very fortunate to have been able to have this experience. I brought my baby into this world, he came out in one piece, he was treated with dignity and respect. I was honored, he was honored. We’ve had a tremendous amount of support and love. My baby was treated as a human being and was handled and cared for with love. Some parents may choose a D&C or choose not to see or hold the baby…some choose not to even know the sex. But this was the right thing for us. We honored him in death, gave him the birth he was deserving of, the burial he deserves and the closure we needed. To be able to name, touch and hold your baby is an amazing gift. It was such a beautiful experience and we will never ever forget it. We got a memory box donated by the hospital. We got to keep everything he came in contact with including: several blankets, his bootie, a hat, his hospital bracelet, a crib card with his “Its a Boy” announcement, a footprint sheet, the tape measure used to measure him, and seashells with a plaster molding of his feet. Our little Adam.
Physically I am doing great. I had no pain, the delivery was peaceful and easy and my recovery has been perfect. I am bleeding very light and feeling no pain or discomfort. Emotionally I am up and down. One minute I feel put together and am amazed how well I’m handling things. The next minute I am weeping and wonder if it will ever end. Most times you catch me staring off and not paying attention. I don’t even realize I’m doing it and don’t really have many thoughts either. A lot of blank thoughts and maybe a little numbness at times. I spend a lot of time thinking about Adam and the birth. Its all part of the process and I recognize that. It will take time…it will never end, but it will just become a part of us and though the pain wont ever go away, the peace and memory of his short time spent with us will be a comfort. I love our baby and wish he was still here. My belly feels so empty.
Adam means “from the earth.” The earth is a realm in which we can plant and yield fruits, giving rise to new life which was not there beforehand. Man’s kinship with the ground, therefore, hints to his greatest potential.
All in all we are doing well and the whole process has been very healing. He’s the sweetest most precious thing I’ve ever seen and I am honored to have been chosen to give him life, though in heaven and not on earth. His purpose there was far greater than here and he’s being cared for and loved more than we could ever offer. What a way to go…you spend your whole physical life in a warm peaceful place of comfort and love…your mother’s womb, only to be sent to a place where the streets are paved with gold and angels flutter by. He is a lucky baby!