A Tragedy

Told by: Amber

Tuesday started off like any other day. I woke up fixed me and Dace breakfast. My car seat came in, that I was uber worried wouldn’t get here in time and the crib set also came in. Between 330-400 the contractions started. It was horrible. I didn’t know if they were Braxton Hicks, false, or real labor. I was induced with my son and didn’t have false labor or Braxton Hicks, so I had no idea. Finally at 630 my husband got home and about 30 minutes later I couldn’t take anymore so we went to the hospital.

At the hospital I got signed in and they got me into a shared room. Started hooking me up to the fetal monitor and the nurse walks out of the room to go get the ultrasound machine and the Doctor. That was when we knew something was horribly wrong. She asked me “Sweetie when was the last time you felt this baby move?” and for the life of me I couldn’t remember. That moment was when we heard the words no parent wants to hear “I’m so sorry Honey but your baby is dead”.
They were connecting the girl beside me up to the fetal monitor and hearing her baby’s heartbeat right after being told mine was dead was a slap in the face.
They moved her out directly after that.

I have never felt so empty before in my life

Dustin called my sister Jenny, she lives an hour away, to come to Womack. He says I told him to but I don’t remember. My mom called me, later she told me that something told her to drop what she was doing and call me, and telling the family started. I called my daddy and Dustin called his people. then finally after waiting for what seemed like hours they moved me to a delivery room, I was going to have to give birth to my dead daughter.

In the delivery room the contractions got stronger, lasting 2 minutes at 1 minute intervals.  Finally they anesthesiologist got there and give me the paper work for the Epidural. I did all that and finally they give it to me at about 930-945. Then shortly after Jenny arrived.

Then around 1015-1020 they broke my water and put Pitocin in my IV. I told the Doctor my son was delivered about 30 minutes after my water broke so this one would probably be quick also. At 1035 I knew it was time to push. Jenny got the Doctors, she was going to leave the room but the Nurse told her to hold my left leg. Dustin was holding my hand, this birth was more painful, physically and emotionally, than anything I have ever felt in my life. I screamed and cried the entire time I pushed.

At 1047 on 24 MAY 2011 my beautiful little girl came into this world without so much as a breath. Everyone in the room was bawling. The Doctor told my Nurse to “Get her behind the curtain, NOW”. Dustin and I could do nothing but cry. He finally walked over behind the curtain, after the nurse got her cleaned up, and he held her. The only time he would ever hold her. He then brought her to me.
She was so unbelievably beautiful. She looked just like her brother when he was born aside from she had dark curly hair, long fingers and big feet. I never cried so hard in my entire life. I should have known something was wrong! How does she go from being ok one day and dead the next?

I was 36 weeks 3 days, far enough to be considered full term.

Around 1 am a photographer arrived at the hospital and they asked me if I wanted pictures done. I went back and forth with myself about it, then I finally decided that if I didn’t I would hate myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t do the photos. So the photographer came in from Nilmdts (Now I lay me down to sleep) which is a non-profit organization that has photographers that go to hospitals and do the photo shoots when babies die. The guy from Jones Photography came in and he was not intrusive, it wasn’t awkward. He took
beautiful pictures that I will cherish for the rest of my life. He did pictures of just Dakota then he asked me to hold her, I was still in my hospital gown but I didn’t care. I picked her up and he took the pictures. granted all of them I was crying my eyes out, but they turned out so well. Dustin didn’t do them, I don’t think he could. I wish he would have but I understand, it was really hard.

I hardly put her down the whole time. Jenny left after I was able to walk and she found out Agnes, Rhondia, Daddy, and Sheryl were coming. Then we got the call Dustin’s mother and aunt were coming in the gate so I told the Nurse to take her down to the morgue because I knew they hysterics would start and it would be all about her. We told the front desk not to send anyone back until we came to get them. Well, his mother “Wouldn’t take no for an answer” Dustin got ANGRY. All this while we were watching our baby getting wrapped up to be transferred to the morgue. About 5 minutes later they walked in, the MIL had the nerve to hug me while crying hysterically, and to tell me he was hysterical the
whole 3 hour ride to  Fort Bragg from York, SC. Rude right? Yeah I wasn’t happy about it.

Then my daddy and step-mom arrived. Dustin and Daddy went out to the terrace on the roof to talk. And I stayed in the room with Sheryl, Agnes, and Rhondia. Anges was saying all this stupid stuff that I didn’t wanna hear that was nowhere near true about the situation. She was so afraid that they made Dustin leave the room and was only concerned about me (which the Doctors should be concerned about me my body had just endured the trauma of child birth) like it was a big problem, when Dustin was right there with me the whole time. he left when he wanted to. Before I got the Epidural I think he kept leaving because I was in so much pain and there was nothing he could do about it.

Around 5am everyone left. Dr. Morris and CPT Greening (my nurse) came in to tell me good-bye because their shifts were getting ready to end and that I would be discharged the next day so I wouldn’t have to be moved to the mother/baby unit. They hugged me with tears in their eyes, you could tell they had both been crying on and off all night. Dr Morris told me that whenever I was at Womack to come see her and that she was never too busy to see me. They were the best team I could have ever asked for.

I couldn’t sleep for being so emotionally distraught. I kept thinking Why? What did I do wrong to make God take my baby? Why were there happy people in the hall way outside my door laughing and talking about their family vacation being a cruise? Did they not know the girl in the room they were in front of just gave birth to her daughter who was stillborn? And my mind keeps going back to “I should have known something was wrong” what kind of mother doesn’t realize her baby had died inside her? Am I that horrible of a mother and person? I slept an hour that night because of pain medication.

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