Told by: Nancy
I found out on 06/06/11 that my 8 week old fetus was deceased. I was also alone at the appointment thinking of how excited I was to hear the heartbeat for the first time! I remember the brick I felt in my gut when they said “sweetie, I am not finding a heartbeat this time”.
I desperately asked her to check again, she did but it did not change the outcome. I asked her to leave the room so I could call my husband at work (he could not get off that day). I will never forget how excited his voice sounded, wanting to hear about my experience
hearing the heartbeat. I could hardly utter the words but I told him our long awaited bundle of joy had gone with God. The doctor ushered me into a tiny room with a small window, I noticed it was raining outside, I wondered if the heavens were crying with me. They immediately came in to tell me about my options. They seemed shocked that I was not ready to make a decision at that moment. I explained that I needed to talk this through with my husband first, not to mention I needed time to get a grip on this ugly reality.
My husband called my family so someone could come get me because he didn’t want me to drive. As I sat on the bench in the lobby looking into my altered future, my sisters and Dad seemed to get there very quickly. They were just as devastated as I was because this pregnancy brought so much joy for all of us. In addition to this loss, we were all still dealing with the lasting effect and grief of my Mothers sudden passing a few short months ago.
My sweet Mother, who was truly the center of our family passed away suddenly from a heart attack late on a Tuesday evening on February 22nd 2011. I was shocked to get that late night phone call from my Dad that the paramedics were there because my Mom was not responsive.
Later it was determined she has an arrhythmia and died within 2 minutes. She was only 60 years old. My Mom was my biggest supporter. I was devastated to lose her but felt so sad that my children would never experience her warmth as a Grandma.
I found out I was pregnant in April, and it felt like a gift of life from my mother. She was giving me a gift to help me cope with my pain. This brought great joy to the family to have new life and hope in the family again. I was elated to see that positive pregnancy test, I ran to the doctor that same day because I had to know for sure! I read every book I could find, every pamphlet I could get my hands on. I was doing exactly what I was told talking special care of my precious child I didn’t know I wanted. I also felt guilt that it was somehow my fault. But the doctors reassured me that is was just an unhealthy pregnancy. How could this be? I was no longer going to be a Mother and my husband no longer a Father.
I chose to go forward with the D&C because I knew I did not have the strength I needed to go through another loss. I was worried seeing the tiny fetus would scar me for life. I recall how empty I felt when I awoke from surgery after they had “removed the fetus”. I longed to feel the symptoms I disliked before. Feeling tired and nauseated were the only signs my baby was alive.
I thought I was dealing with my Mother’s death in a healthy way, but hearing more bad news felt like someone had used a knife and cut my scabbed wounds open again. After 34 years of marriage, my Dad started seeing another woman just two months after my Mom passed. My once steady, happy, controlled life was an emotional rollercoaster.
I still find myself longing for my winter bundle of joy I thought God was blessing me with. The one I will never hold in my arms. I am trying to continue on with my life because it will not stop. I have no choice. Soon it will be 5 months since my Mom passed and 1 month since my baby met her on the other side. I do take comfort in that in a strange way, my child will be with its Grandma. She has the most caring embrace, and part of me is with her always.
I get through day by day, hoping that it can only get better from here. Thanks for the words you gave me “It is still birth, and, it is still death”. Hopefully my story will help
others cope, like yours did for me. It saddens me so many women have to experience this. Together with God, we will prevail.