(go back to 9 weeks)
Told by: April
First of all, thank you for sharing your story and encouraging others to do the same. When I lost my seventh baby, I didn’t really speak to anyone about it. I think I didn’t want it to be happening, so I didn’t want to speak of it because that would make it more real. I told as few people as possible, which was fairly easy because I was 9 weeks and we hadn’t told many people about the pregnancy. Some friends did try to talk to me about it, but I didn’t want the attention, and I didn’t want to see people. I didn’t want the looks of sympathy because I didn’t want to feel different. I thought if I ignored it, the pain would go away.
It didn’t. It doesn’t.
So, instead of getting better, I got more and more depressed, even though I didn’t recognize what was going on. It was three months before I woke up, literally.
I had been sleeping a lot, eating a lot, and not doing much of anything. Now, I feel like I was asleep all summer. About the time I realized I was depressed and started trying to come out of it, I found out I was pregnant again. Of course, that brought up a whole bunch of new feelings.
How could I be happy for this baby who was only here because the other one died?
How do I let people know this is my eighth baby – I don’t want the baby I lost to be forgotten!
Then came the due date. A couple of ladies I know had babies around the same time as I would have. It was another difficult time watching them snuggle their little ones, being happy for them and mourning my own loss.
There were times I was fine, and other times when I would cry so hard I couldn’t talk just because someone said the word, “baby.” There were many times here in my home when I thought I heard a baby crying and started to think that baby was awake, before I remembered there was no baby.
Sometimes, I just felt like I was missing something.
I am due to have this new baby about a month after the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. Other friends of mine have told me that there is so much healing in holding another baby of your own. I hope that’s true. But I know even if it eases, I will always feel that loss and miss the baby I never got to know.
My midwife recently told me that my feelings won’t get better until I really talk about what happened. I think that’s true.
I think I have had some physical responses to the emotional pain I have tried to hide.
I have had several health issues this pregnancy that I have never had before. I have felt distant from my husband. The consequences of trying to hide my pain have affected many areas of life. I had no idea that would happen.
I would encourage others who have or are going through a miscarriage to talk to someone about their feelings. Speak out about what is going on with you to others who have gone thorugh the experience or even just someone who is sympathetic. Not everyone will want to hear. I have found that some people brush it off like it’s no big deal.
Talk to someone. Talk to your husband.
Talk to God.
I take comfort knowing my baby is in heaven, even though I would have liked to have him here for awhile. God knows what I am going through more than anyone else, because He knows me better than anyone else. I am learning more each day to rely on Him to give me the comfort and support I need, as well as letting my
family and friends be there for me. Thanks for listening.