(go back to 8 weeks)
Told by: Michelle
Fast forward to last summer when I found I was expecting again. I tried not be be afraid, but it is hard to not be human. I made an appointment with a birthing center (not easy to get home births in my new area). I explained about the last pregnancy. Unfortunately, for me, they have this fabulous set up where newly expectant mothers all in-process at the same time and they encourage them to get to know each other and support each other throughout the pregnancy. I was really not interested in this, given my situation, but it is what it is. My appointment was set for about 10 weeks gestation. I went in and got my packet of info and forms and sat in the special room set up with a circle of folding chairs. Other couples came in. My husband was at work. I was OK with that. He went to most of the appointments with our first. At least he wasn’t deployed.
One midwife came in and said that the woman who did ultrasound was available and did anyone want to have an optional early ultrasound? Of course, at this stage the ultrasound is vaginal, and some women don’t have insurance
coverage. Had this been one of my other pregnancies, I might have declined.
But this time, my hand shot up fast (and first).
coverage. Had this been one of my other pregnancies, I might have declined.
But this time, my hand shot up fast (and first).
The baby only dated 8 weeks 5 days. Yes, I was sure of my dates.
And no heartbeat.
My husband left work and met me for lunch. He would have left for the rest of the day, but I told him not to. When I am sad, I just want to get busy…cleaning, gardening, sewing…anything. I don’t want to sit around and talk about it. Or have him tiptoe around me.
I had planned a girlfriends’ weekend with my 2 friends mentioned during my last miscarriage for a few days later. We were running in the Army Ten Miler (10 mile race) in D.C. I feared I would begin to bleed and not be able to go.
I went – no bleeding at all. I raced. We talked. Between us, we have at least 27 children: 18 on earth, 2 in utero, and the rest in heaven. It was the best thing, spiritually, that I could have done.
I went – no bleeding at all. I raced. We talked. Between us, we have at least 27 children: 18 on earth, 2 in utero, and the rest in heaven. It was the best thing, spiritually, that I could have done.
I had a follow up with the midwives 2 weeks after the ultrasound. I had not begun bleeding. They talked D&C. I feared that the baby would be mangled. I didn’t want to have another surgery. I didn’t want to end the pregnancy myself. I called one friend on the way home and said we needed to start praying for the bleeding to begin. I planned to call more at home. The bleeding began on the way home. I bled like a normal period for nearly a week.
And then it was so bad that I thought I was going to die. My husband had not yet left for work. He cleaned up so much blood. He went to the store at 7 am when it opened to buy more and heavier pads. I gave my body 1 hour to slow down…then I gave myself another 30 minutes. Finally, the bleeding abated enough that I knew I would be ok.
I had so many many clots. No baby. I guessed that she had fallen into the toilet. It made me sad.
4 days later, I started cramping again. This time it was in the afternoon. It was just like 4 days prior, and just like labor cramps. After several hours of cramping, the flood gates opened again. Again, I worried about dying…this time my husband was at work. I gave myself an hour. It was enough. Lots of clots, and a placenta-y mass. I did not dissect it, but chose to believe that the gestational sac was enclosed. It was all I had. I buried her in the backyard and planted tulip bulbs over her. I would be about 38 weeks now.
stillbirthday 